In Search of Meaning / by Hilary Hann

I'm standing on a precipice, the feeling of vertigo slowly dragging me ever closer to the edge. I want to resist, not sure whether I'll fly nor whether I'll land safely. Every moment that I'm alive seems to draw me to the inevitable conclusion; that my journey here on Earth has a purpose that is only now being revealed to me.  To ignore it is to start the dying process long before I'm ready to leave. 

How many years have I balanced precariously on the fence that I made in my mind?  It seems like forever. If I fell into photography so many years ago, perhaps now it will have a purpose worth something. If every challenge that presented itself was avoided in the past, now surely it is time to turn and face the winds of change. If once that breeze blew me this way and that, moulding me to its whim, is it now the time that I can stand steadfast and be that weathervane that remains locked into position, face into the wind and the rain, fighting to make an impression.

The thousand footfalls of the grey ghosts march a silent beat, silent because we cannot hear the subtlety of the rhythms above the cacophony of our needy lives. There are more precious things in this life than the banal and the obvious. Sometimes the reasons for needing to try the big gesture are muddied and vague but in the trying we fulfil some higher purpose. Perhaps there are those of us who will never know what satisfaction can come from success, fading long before our labours and passion can bear fruit. 

For me, stepping away from the strange safety of my fence and committing myself to a different challenge is the hardest yet most exhilarating thing that I've contemplated doing. Deciding that the time is right and knowing that I have the strong support of family and friends who are prepared to come along for the ride is something I never expected. 

Just occasionally my heart skips a beat. Excitement. Trepidation. Fear of failure. 

Arrhythmia .........  The journey begins.